Personal Inventory



Being in a relationship is never easy, despite how similar you may feel you are to your partner.

We all have different emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs; plus different degrees of these.

We all have different experiences, learnings and behaviours as a result of our childhood and ensuing years.

We all have different gender traits that can make it impossible to understand each other at times.


This questionnaire is a personal exercise, designed to help you reflect on your own feelings, emotions
and behaviours, and identify those that are not so useful in maintaining happy, positive relationships.

Your can review your results further down the article.


1. Strongly Disagree     2. Disagree     3. Medium    4.Agree     5. Strongly agree




1. I am able to say what is bothering me rather than burying those feelings


2. I appropriately express a wide range of feelings, mild and strong, both positive & negative


3. I am ok responding to anger and frustration directed towards me


4. I can recognise when I am uncertain of what I am feeling and can express that


5. When I express my feelings, I stay in touch with the impact on the receiver


6. I can express my feelings without blaming someone for causing those feelings


7. I try to express my feelings without being judgmental


8. I am able and willing to be assertive


9. I do not do things that I feel go against my beliefs or principles


10. I do not do things that others want me to do, but I don’t want to do


11. I stand up for what I believe


12. I am self reflective, but not self blaming, when I make a mistake


13. I am able to delay self gratification


14. I can forgive my mistakes


15. I accept personal responsibility for my mistakes, choices and decisions


16. I am able to step back and objectively look at my behaviour or attitude


17. I am generous with my time and resources


18. I seek out and maintain intimate or close relationships


19. I work hard to achieve my goals


20. After I fail at something, I will try again


21. I don’t feel responsible for family and close friends’ happiness


22. I feel ok with myself when I don’t perform or achieve as well as I think I should


23. I feel comfortable with myself when someone else criticises me or is not cold towards me


24. I fear the potential loss of the relationship with my partner


25. I do not have high or unreasonable expectations of myself and others


26. I am not self-critical


27. I am happy being alone


28. I have many sources of social support outside of my family


29. I have experienced fulfilling/positive relationships throughout my life


30. I don’t feel that I must take care of family and friends’ emotional needs


31. I forgive others easily when they make mistakes or hurt me


32. I feel at ease with myself when I make major commitments to other people or projects






1. I was made responsible for the emotional well being of my mother or father


2. My mother or father were not emotionally present


3. I felt lonely when growing up


4. I experienced rejection by people close to me when I was growing up


5. I experienced betrayal by people I thought cared for me


6. I was blamed for events and situations that were not under my control


7. I felt devalued by my mother or father


8. I felt that something was lacking in my parent-child relationship when growing up


9. My family life was chaotic


10. I was expected to know/do what my parents wanted or needed without them telling me


11. My parents compared me unfavorably with my siblings or others


12. I felt unhappy as a child and/or adolescent





Feelings and Expressions: It is important to be aware of our own personal feelings and be comfortable in expressing them, while being conscious of timing and appropriateness.


Speaking Out: It is important to be able to be assertive without being aggressive or passive. Where scores are 1 or 2 you are not using behaviours that enable you to cope with your partner.


Self Talk: Conflict in relationships can erode self confidence & self esteem. If you are doubting your competence, questioning what is real and who you are, then you need to work on positive self talk


Reaching Out: We all need quality relationships outside of our partner. It is important to be able to make significant connections with others.


Determination & Persistence: These characteristics enable you to effectively use protecting & coping strategies when your partner is wearing you down, enabling you to remain positive and strong.


Responsible: We are not responsible for other people’s choices or happiness. If you feel guilty or manipulated, then you need to raise your awareness and let go of these feelings.


Personal Failure: Feeling you have more control over your life, events and experiences than you do can be unrealistic, which can lead to guilt and shame for not being good enough.


Feeling Worthless: This is distressing as you think others are more worthwhile, so you do things that you don’t want to do to prevent criticism. Be aware of feeling discounted, demeaned or devalued.


Potential Loss: When alert and highly sensitive to this you start to feel your survival is dependent on the other. You may become manipulative or abused, or take on unreasonable responsibilities.


High Expectations: This puts pressure on yourself and others, undermining relationships, creating conflict, leaving you upset. Accept we are all different and look for and accept compromise.


Self Critical: It is important to be self aware, but if overly critical, you then heighten your sensitivity leaving yourself vulnerable to your partner’s comments.


Fear of Being Alone: If intense, you will negate and subjugate your needs, wishes and values.  Feeling alone implies isolation and alienation which is different to feeling lonely.


Limited Social Support: Everyone needs a robust support system. Without it you are susceptible to feeling cutoff and isolated, making you more dependent on your partner, and potentially controlled.


Disappointing Relationships: Most experience a few. Don’t let past experiences such as betrayal or rejection affect your current attitudes and your ability to connect. This fear creates unhappiness.


Taking Care of Others: When this becomes too high a priority, it can destroy relationships as well as create unreasonable dependence by others, leaving you stressed, with no time for self.


Forgiving Others: When you don’t forgive others, the only person affected is you. You create in yourself unhappiness that can lead to physical ill health and potentially mental ill health.


Commitment: Perhaps you make major decisions too quickly without considering all consequences. Perhaps you give too much of your self to others. Perhaps you are commitment phobic.





Parent’s Well Being: This can result in you not free to search out and develop your own unique identity (individuation), resulting in you continuing to act this way with other people.


Not Emotionally Present: The result can be that you try to hard to connect to others, and when they are emotionally unavailable you may feel isolated, detached or needy.


Loneliness: This can be similar to the above, but you need to understand if you are ok being alone, and if not reflect on how your childhood has left you this way.


Rejection: As a child you feel you are not good enough, flawed or unworthy. It can create a range of adult feelings such as anger, revenge, abandonment, terror, shame and guilt.


Betrayal: You may have an inability to trust, a fear of intimacy, an expectation that you will be betrayed again and many negative feelings about your self-worth.


Blame: Frequent blame can result in inappropriate responses to any criticism. You may accept blame when not justified, or refuse to accept blame when it is justified.


Feeling Devalued: Self esteem is tied to feeling valued as a worthwhile, unique person. You shouldn’t need to continually seek affirmation, not be controlling, and be ok when others try to devalue you.


Something Lacking: Do you fear connecting with others, or yearn for connection inappropriately, or get too close, intimate or controlling in your relationships.


Chaotic Family Life: You may not have a secure basis for expectations of self and of others. You may lack inner security, which can manifest in you displaying confusing and controlling behaviours.


Mind Reading: Expecting or demanding this in family and friends is destructive, while thinking it is expected of you can result in you acting inappropriately in ways that hurt both yourself and others.


Uncomfortable Comparisons: This can leave you with low self esteem, vulnerable to harmless comparisons, highly sensitive to appropriate criticism, and unrealistic expectations of self.


Unhappy Childhood: This can become all consuming, making you think life is unfair and that you have always had a raw deal. You need to move forward, forgive and let go. Over analysis reinforces negativity. Instead, focus on how you want things to be, identifying what you can learn from it.