People often live with their partner for years, express undying love, undertake loving acts, participate in a physical relationship, pretend they want the relationship to work, act as a happy family, yet be lying unashamedly while living a double life.
When you are on the receiving end, confusion often overtakes rationality. You go into a state of cognitive dissonance, where your mind works overtime trying to resolve the confusion and explain away the inconsistencies. Unfortunately, the truth can be just too painful to believe.
The following points are designed to help you step back and view your relationship objectively, as if from a 3rd party perspective. Be honest with your analysis, and do not write the answers that you want to believe. The answer to each question is simple: Yes, Sometimes or Never.
If you get over 50% of either yes or sometimes, you have good reason to question.
1. Controlling Devices
Controlling devices enable a deceptive partner to minimise their opportunity of being found out by ensuring that your life is controlled.
Does your partner control some of the following in a manner you deem unreasonable: your finances, your social life, your friends, your role in the family, your holidays, or your career?
2. Aggressive Responses
Aggressive responses enable partners to minimise your willingness to question behaviours such as excessive socialising, strange phone calls/texts, internet usage, or being out of communication.
When you try to raise a concern, does your partner get angry, act stressed, use silence, yell at you, aggressively tell you that you just don’t understand, or hurtfully question your trust?
3. Explained Absences
A partner leading a double life will have totally plausible reasons for being away from home more than normal, making you feel like the guilty one for questioning his commitment.
Does your partner travel a lot, spend a lot of time after work in meetings, go socialising with colleagues, work weekends, be home but on the internet, or go away on trips with friends?
4. Confusion Strategies
Confusion strategies undermine your own rational thinking, making you feel that you are either crazy, unreasonable, not coping, or totally misplaced in your lack of trust.
Does your partner question your sanity, undermine your confidence, turn your questions around so they seem insulting or distrustful, and make you feel that you are the guilty party?
5. Cryptic Communications
Cryptic communications are often employed by a partner to avoid being the one who breaks up the relationship, while at the same time avoiding expressing any commitment.
Does your partner speak or email you in riddles that leave you wondering what they really mean, what he/she is actually saying or how he/she feels?
6. Physical Withdrawal
A partner may physically withdraw from the relationship, yet have sound reasons as to why?
Is your partner sleeping in a different room because of work pressure or supposedly to give you space? Do they no longer give you hugs, sit close, or avoid any sort of touch or intimacy?
There are many reasons for a partner to lead a life of deception, and not have the courage to tell you that they are no longer in love.
Whatever the reason, you deserve to be listened to, have your emotional needs met, enjoy a life together, and to have your concerns answered in a reasonable and respectful manner.